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This week on totally relevant Sans Sheriff posts, we’re giving the Ten Commandments a 21st century face lift! Yes, that’s right, if you’ve ever read the Ten Commandments and quickly realised that you’re definitely going to hell, then this little lot will give you a different perspective. If you follow these rules then you’ll be greeted by those elusive pearly gates. It’s like, almost, 100% guaranteed.
Posting a selfie? Tag that shit until you have to scroll to read them all. #me #girl #female #notmale #opposite #human #person #DNA #alive #breathing #hair #brunette #eyes #face #lips #nose #eyelash #eyelashes – you get the point. If anyone points out that you’ve got a lot of tags, show no mercy and reply in hashtags.
Also known as Thursday. Ah yes, the classic throwback Thursday – dig out a photo from last week and post it as evidence that you’ve become a much better, more attractive and well rounded person within a week. Or better still, post a baby photo as proof that you’ve aged. You hero.
Litter everyones home feed with inspirational quotes. Did you drop your biro down the back of the sofa and now it’s gone forever? Hunt high and low (also known as Google search) for a quote that accurately expresses your pain. Mysteriously refuse to answer what exactly is wrong when anyone asks, and post a crying face instead.
Like every single thing your friends post. Comment if their posts look lonely, back them up if they post a ‘make up free’ selfie, even though you know it’s lies. Leave cute emojis and do this until your liked posts section looks like a shrine to them. Friend of the year is in the bag.
If you’ve just dropped £100 on a pair of shoes, take 5 photos from slightly different angles, in varying light, and post them all. When people comment that, “They’re really nice! How much were they?” graciously thank them, and then coyly slip in the price tag followed by the monkey covering its eyes emoji.
Lots of celebs have Instagram so take full advantage of this and track their every move. If Kim Kardashian has posted a photo and you recognise where she is, head on down and act casual. If the location is too far away, repeatedly comment that she needs to come to Mexico.
The world needs to know about your cheeky Nando’s. It is your duty to post a photo of you and the lads having top banter over a chicken wrap. We need you, Instagram needs you.
Covet all mirrors
One of the downsides of Instagram is that you can’t walk past any mirror without a burning need to take a selfie in it. The next time you see a mirror, just take it. Take the mirror. Have a room full of mirrors, specifically for Instagram purposes, and take photos all day.
Amazingly, Instagram has made internet celebrities out of some people. I imagine their CVs will mention something about having elite selfies. Should you find yourself in such a….high position, you’ll find you get a lot of free goodies. Regardless of how good the items are (did the blusher give you hives? Did the mascara stick your eyes together?) lie. Tell everyone it’s all exceptional, almost like you’re being told to say so!
Have you taken a photo of an apple? Add a black and white filter. This shows the pain of the apple in its final moments before you murdered it. Filter your face so only your eyes are visible and then caption it ‘my skin looks good today’. Just stick a filter on everything.
Coming soon on Sans Sheriff: We explore who else we can offend now that we’ve nailed every Instagram user ever, including myself.