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Earlier this week everyone was shocked to learn that Danny Worsnop has left Asking Alexandria. Personally, I was shocked to learn that everyone cared so much (trending on Twitter? Really?) Since then speculation has been rife about who the replacement will be, with articles about the matter springing up faster than Fall Out Boy’s latest money making ideas. From the UK to you, Fall Out Boy, keep your three figure VIP packages. Greedy bands aside, we’re here to end the rumours as we had an exclusive insight into auditions for the coveted AA vocalist spot. The winner and all of the rejected hopefuls (who you can find on next weeks The Voice) make for quite a mixed bag.
Gold – Rebecca Black
That’s right, Rebecca Black is Danny Worsnop’s replacement. Rebecca has been pretty quiet since gracing us all with her inspired hit Friday, but have no doubt my friends, it wasn’t easy to get Rebecca to agree to this. With a diary brimming with vital dates ranging from ‘release equally
irritating substantial song’ to ‘live off Friday fame forever’ Rebecca has kindly agreed to shelve everything and join AA. Their new musical direction? Black metal. Rebecca will now be known as Kcalb, which, as you can see, is Black backwards, but I’m sure also means hail Satan somewhere. Their first single will be released on Halloween. It’ll be Friday sped up, played backwards, and if played after midnight it’s rumoured Kcalb herself will appear and steal your soul.
Silver – Average Joe
Taking runner up is a guy who wandered in off the street. Storming into the audition room and alarming Kcalb by asking where the toilets are, he earned this spot by having bags of charm. Or it could have been the threat of kicking everyone’s head in if they didn’t give him money for….sweets. After a roaring rendition of Give Us All Your Money Dickheads, complete with a sensational new dance move called the ‘leg breaker’, the guy seemed content with a tenner, reassurance that they’d be in touch about the position, and directions to the loo.
Bronze – Alex Turner
Claiming third place, Alex auditioned by reading his five year plan for Asking Alexandria. The first year would focus on turning into a more radio friendly band, with the sole purpose of being nominated for a BRIT award. Something about needing to dramatically drop more microphones. Year two would see a name change for the band – who even is Alexandria? No no no, Asking Alex is much better. By the time the third year rolls around, all other members of the band will merely be props, and will be easily interchangeable. A bit like iPhone skins. Year four would feature custom made leather jackets being made for the band, each with Alex’s face on the back. By year five the band would simply be known as Alex, with the other members performing behind giant screens with Turner’s face on.
Coming soon on Sans Sheriff: An exclusive interview with Kcalb about what black metal means to her. This is clearly all lies, bye.