The Only 10 Videos Kerrang! Have Ever Shown

However they choose to justify it, Kerrang! TV always find a way to play the same 10 videos over and over. And I don’t just mean the same new releases over and over – I’m talking about tracks from a decade ago that they just won’t let die.

The following is a list of songs, in no particular order, that Kerrang could probably do with giving a break from their regular rotation.

Paramore – Misery Business

Back in 2007, most of the world didn’t realise that, on the horizon, there was a woman, with locks as beautiful as Rapunzel, ready to conquer the hearts of teenage boys and girls alike. She also had a band, though few people cared about that.

When Paramore’s Misery Business began plaguing the airwaves, Kerrang latched onto the video and vowed to never let go. The video follows the story of a high school bitch that does bitchy things and is eventually put in her place by Hayley Williams. There are a few segments in which the band play over-dramatically, which gives the video a chance to showcase Williams batting her eyelashes enough to keep all the men watching.

Foo Fighters – Learn To Fly

Learn to Fly is the Eddie Murphy movie of music videos. It’s like Norbit, but mildly amusing. It’s kind of a parody of Airport, and the plot relies on the acting prowess of Dave Grohl and co., so there’s some questionable work in there. The best thing about this video is that, with the plane’s coffee supply accidentally spiked by Tenacious D, the only people on the plane who aren’t absolutely off their tits on some crazy drug bender are the Foo Fighters themselves. That’s because they’re cool rockstars and chose alcoholic beverages over caffeine. I find that effort to look cool hilarious.

Hoobastank – The Reason

Unlike mainstream rock radio, which has decidedly finished with this song, as Will discussed the other day, Kerrang is still holding on to it for dear life. My only real recollection of Hoobastank is of my friend’s mum buying the album and only playing this one song over and over. It’s not a good song and the video is pretty average. It’s kind of a puzzler as to why music channels play it so much.

Tenacious D – Tribute

This comedy-rock mega-hit still has its place in regular rotation over at Kerrang. If there’s a countdown of “Most Rocking Videos” or “Dave Grohl’s Most Awesome Videos”, Tenacious D’s Tribute will likely top the list, as it has done since its release in 2002. I’m not going to give a synopsis of the video, because I refuse to believe anyone in the world hasn’t seen it.

Fall Out Boy ­-

Stump’s unbeatable singing face

For this entry, a mere one Fall Out Boy video could not be selected, as they are simply all played all the time. As long as it has Pete Wentz being attractive in it, Kerrang are going to play it for all the sex hungry 14 years olds out there. One thing that always made me laugh about Fall out Boy’s videos was the structure – the intro and verse would always have people (or monkeys) making fun of how bad the band are, then by the time they hit the chorus, everyone would usually be blown away by the band’s awesome rock power. What is extra-hilarious about this, is that it seemed like the band were openly admitting the only good part of their songs were the choruses.

 

Blink 182 – I Miss You

Alright, Kerrang play every Blink 182 video a hell of a lot, but this is the one that so oversaturated that market that even your auntie knew the words. Oddly, out of the band’s back-catalogue of somewhat humorous videos, this is one of the few serious ones, yet it still manages to be the dumbest. The video itself follows the band looking very out of place playing old-timey dress-up, and occasionally, a ghostly-looking woman does some things that are far from memorable. Does she eat a spider at one point? I don’t remember because I haven’t seen this video in over 10 minutes. Hurry up and show it again, Kerrang!

Sum 41 – Fat Lip

This video contains several dumb things to try and prove Sum 41 are a legitimate “punk” band:

1. At least a million fans in the video are wearing NOFX t-shirts, because they’re a huge punk band, which must mean Sum 41 are equal in levels of punk.
2. The video contains cool punk things, like skateboarding and barefoot rednecks.
3. It looks at itself in a light-hearted way, because punk isn’t serious all the time, which leads to some bad cringe humour and the band dressing up as glam rockers.

This awful video is still making the folks at Kerrang swoon even today, and while I refuse to sit through an entire 24 hours of their programming to prove this point, I imagine I may even be underguessing by saying it is played about 72 times a day.

Limp Bizkit – My Way

My Way is one of those insufferable videos in which the band in question are placed in a bunch of ridiculous scenarios from the past, much akin to funk rock scumbags Red Hot Chili Peppers’ video for Dani California (another song about California, guys?).

My Way first treats you to some stellar acting, not even fit for pornos, from Fred Durst and that weird guy who wears masks sometimes. The band then proceeds to be thrust into several ill-fitting situations, such as a Lawrence Welk show parody and a scene in which they all ride motorcycles.

While the timeline doesn’t quite add up, I do like to think of this video as a shot for shot remake of One Direction’s Kiss You.

From top to bottom: Limp Bizkit’s My Way, One Direction’s Kiss You

Papa Roach – Last Resort

Last Resort is a sorry excuse for a cool, 2000s video. The overall theme seems to be that everybody is depressed, and I’m talking people from all walks of life here, not just those goth ones. I mean, that could affect normal people, like you or me! That’s why Papa Roach’s Last Resort is the scariest video if all time. That’s the feature I’m writing, right?

Anyway, people are depressed and alone, yet they are all brought together by Papa Roach’s fish-eye lens abusing crapfest. I hope you like that one riff, because you’re gonna heart it a million times before the song is over. Kerrang must have liked that riff, as Last Resort constantly finds itself on the channel’s “many” playlists such as “The Best Rock Videos” and “Cool Riffs By Shit Bands”.

Red Hot Chili Peppers – Californiacation

Red Hot Chili Peppers hold a special place in most people’s hearts and that is something I simply can’t grasp. The band sound like the unintentional demon-spawn of a bunch of 14 year olds mashing together their influences during their first session ever playing with other people, which is usually something you rectify in your second practice. But just as sure as Kerrang will take over an hour to play 10 songs because they show the same 6 adverts after every two videos, Red Hot Chili Peppers’ videos dominate the channel.

It makes sense that they show Californiacation so much, however, as the video tells the story of a game, starring computerised versions of the band, in which the aim is to wear no shirt for as long as possible while the world is being destroyed. Its popularity made sense in 1999, when it was released, as it was the best looking video game ever. In today’s modern world, the graphics are obsolete and the song is still over-indulgent and boring, so it’s constant airplay is mind-blowing.

Despite Anthony Keidis’ Shakespearean-like invention of words, the band unsuccessfully sued the creators of the David Duchovny vehicle, Californiacation for stealing their precious word. Since they’re probably still so bothered, here’s a dumb word about California that I came up with in 3 seconds that they can have full ownership of – “Califauxnia” – which I guess means something to do with how fake everything in that state is, like the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ talent, for example.

Coming Soon on Sans Sheriff: The team sit down with Papa Roach lead singer and winner of the highly coveted “Dumbest Name Ever” award, Jacoby Shaddix, to discuss why he incorrectly believes Papa Roach are still relevant.

Related articles

• Relentless Kerrang! Awards: Biffy Clyro pick up best album as Fall Out Boy walk away with best single (metro.co.uk)
• Kerrang Tour 2013 Review (ateenmusicblog.wordpress.com)
• Queen Honoured For Service To Rock At Kerrang! Awards (noise11.com)
• Ten Songs Rock Radio Forgot About (sanssheriffmusic.com)