Home of the original 1-piece variety bucket
You’re on a 5 hour train journey to Glasgow. You couldn’t afford 1st class because standard class is already a price joke, there’s no room for your baggage so your wheelie case is digging into your knees, and your iPod just ran out of battery. The last thing you need is to be near one of the following.
The 40 and naughty brigade
Janice is out with her mates to celebrate her 40th. They’re all decked out in their Amazon priority sashes, bleary eyed at 10am and cackling about their waste of space husbands. All their ringtones are set to Girls Just Want To Have Fun and they assault the trolley staff as they come around, proclaiming “Girls let’s get the mini bottles of wine in! ….you have Rosè, right?” Wild.
The butter wouldn’t melt kids
Christ, have you taken a wrong turn back at Piccadilly and wound up in an alternate reality where every child is like a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang nightmare? They’re eating their M&S sushi and couscous salad while you shiftily elbow your Burger King wrapper out of the way, and their mum is smoothing down their hair. “Sweetheart, would you like a bottle of water? Do you sell 15 times filtered, rarest, finest water?” The chimes of Let it Go can faintly be heard from their custom ‘Mummy’s little princess’ headphones, and their mum starts discussing ballet classes. You pray Janice voms in their direction.
The ‘I’m going to conduct a business meeting on a train’ idiots
Martin is a high flying businessman, and Martin wants everyone to know. Unfamiliar with the excellent invention known as texting, Martin prefers to call his business associates on the phone signal hotbed that is a train. “Hi it’s Martin wanting to seal the deal on this multi million pound offer – oh wait you’re breaking up, hello? Yes MULTI MILLION POUND OFFER. Hello? I’ll call you back.” Yes you will won’t you Martin, you’ll call back 5 times and repeat the same sentence over and over. Thanks Martin.
Coming soon on Sans Sheriff: M&S endorsements by the bucket load.