Home of the original 1-piece variety bucket
After a gig ends and the house lights go up, fans do one of three things. They either leave the venue to go home, head off to shout “MEDIUM SIZED TOUR SHIRT PLZ”, in some poor merch persons ear, or they cling onto the barrier for dear life in hopes of getting a setlist. Now the setlist is fine, after all it’s just a piece of paper, but some fans want it all. They get a crazed ‘I will skin you alive’ glint in their eyes as they watch the roadies pack up the stage, the roadies who dare ignore their requests for drumsticks. Are you going to a gig soon? Do you desperately want to commemorate the occasion by getting your greedy little hands on something that you’re not entitled to? Then step this way, one trip to B&Q (or your dad’s tool shed) combined with these tips and you’ll be walking away with it all.
What you’ll need:
5 death threats (printed on floral paper so as not to alarm anyone too much)
Eye drops for when you need to start crying
One of those litter picking grabber things
Sense of entitlement
1) Elbow your way to barrier if you’re not there already. Smaller, younger fans in your way? Just dig that elbow right in there. This is where your cutthroat attitude will come into play. Who gives a shit about anyone else (sense of entitlement, check) you absolutely HAVE to get that drum riser for your bedroom or you will positively DIE. Pull hair, whine very loudly about taller fans having no right and omg is that one over there 30??? I bet she’s been to loads of gigs how dare she take it away from you! Just whack Move Bitch on your phone and keep moving forward until you hit that metal bar.
2) Now to turn your attention to the roadies who are packing up the stage. You need to find the weak one of the pack, the one who is most likely to give in and hand you a setlist. Wave your arms around like you’re trying to flag down a taxi. Extra points if you hit other fans in the face here and they have to leave, slowly eliminating your competition. Their tears? Glistening beacons of hope. Suss out the roadie who keeps looking over and quickly switch to pleading eyes. If pleading eyes fail then use your eye drops and start sniffing very loudly. You’ll have a setlist before you even get to loud sobbing.
3) If you’ve set your sights on something bigger than a setlist then here is where you’ll need your screwdriver. It’s best to try this before you annihilate fans to get to the barrier – go around the venue and just try and unscrew anything you see. Floor tiles? Jam that screwdriver under there and pop one out, the band might have walked on it! Just unscrew the entire bar area from the wall. It will definitely fit in your mum’s boot. Maybe take a hammer and chisel and just take a brick or two out of the wall as well, fuck it why not. Now if stripping the actual venue isn’t your thing then get out your litter picking device. Go on a Supermarket Sweep kind of stage frenzy and use it to grab anything that isn’t secured. If roadies try to take the litter picker off you then hand them a death note. Problem solved, off you pop with your bass drum, guitar pedals and three mic stands.
Coming soon to Sans Sheriff: Done robbing bands of equipment that they actually need? Then you’ll be needing tips on how to get into gigs for free! You’ll be needing a bullshit sob story, fake AAA access pass and if all else fails, a costume that resembles one of the band members mum’s.