Home of the original 1-piece variety bucket
Yuzuru Hanyu took gold in the Sochi winter Olympics on Friday in men’s figure skating. At just 19 he smoked the competition with his short program performance, and an equally as impressive long program that’s like trying to find gold dust as most videos seem to have been removed. Yuzuru seems pretty unstoppable right now, but what if 3 other contenders came from nowhere to threaten his golden boy status? Say, 3 other contenders in the form of well-known bands. Stranger things have happened, so let’s take a walk on the wild side down avenue what if and read on.
With more line-up changes than events at the winter Olympics, Taking Back Sunday would approach figure skating like a football game. If one fell and jeopardized the whole thing they’d just switch another member in. Think Cheaper by the Dozen on ice. Around since 1999 they clearly hold the secret to band longevity, so with more tricks (band members) up their sleeves than the other two bands put together and mass amounts of staying power, bathroom breaks are off for at least 4 hours. Sit back and play spot the difference with their line-up, you’re in this for the long haul.
They’d have gold in their sights, well within their grasp. They’d turn up, promise you all a spectacular free skate and then bugger off. You’d be left with nothing but empty ice, wondering what unholy sin you could have possibly committed to deserve this level of redemption. Of course you would eventually get explanations, statements, and the taunting what ifs but nothing quite fixes that broken promise. Basically imagine you’ve been told you’re going to have fresh steak for tea, and then you end up with an Aldi microwave ready meal. My Chemical Romance’s skating style – Aldi ready meal.
So he’s not a band but old Kanye would still put on a cherry on top of the cake performance. Kanye (again, should it be god?) would just stand in the middle of the ice. Face covered, head down, not moving a muscle. When he fails to get a single mark he’d calmly take off one skate, and launch it at the judging table. As security flood the place and attempt to drag him off a loud cackle can be heard in the audience. It’s Taylor. Taylor Swift. She is here to avenge her VMAs embarrassment. Kanye starts foaming at the mouth. He knows he has been outdone, the day he feared has arrived and he can’t save it. Retirement looms.
Coming soon on Sans Sheriff: My Chemical Romance Fake Your Death and the impending nervous breakdown I’ll have.