Sans Sheriff

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SSExpress: Santa to ‘prepare meat’


Saint Nicholas (who is known better as his stage name ‘Santa Claus’) is considering a career as a butcher, it has emerged.

Mr Claus last night, being his usual jolly self

Mr Claus last night, being his usual jolly self

Speaking in a press conference last night, Mr Claus admitted that owning the worlds only pack of flying reindeer is an expense he can no longer cover by doing just one nights work in a calendar year.

Mr Claus was very straightforward as he addressed the media, pointing out that he no longer has the motivation for the job.

“I feel I have ran with the job for far too long. I have nothing to do 364 days a year – I could be out earning cash.

“It’s just not financially viable anymore for me.”

Santa Claus has spent over 500 years delivering presents to every child in the world, provided that child isn’t in a third world country.

“I really have enjoyed my job. I always have done, but it’s time for me to step aside.

“I’m 604 next August, and I’m starting to slow down.”

Mr Claus was very derogatory towards the jobs pay rate, claiming that “£60-odd a year simply isn’t enough to live on.”

Many people are pinning this shock decision on the family dispute that Santa had two years ago, where he gave his heart to his wife, but the very next day, she was reported to have given it away.

Mr Claus wishes to pursue a future in bashing the shit out of animal bits

Mr Claus wishes to pursue a future in bashing the shit out of animal bits

He also made clear in the conference that his next career lies in the butchery industry.

“I can announce that I’m going to be joining a little butchers in Slough, just in one of the little housing estates.

“I will also be looking into entry to a butchers union of some sort.”

When asked why he was so set on a career in meat, Mr Claus was hesitant to answer.

11311699-jeff-the-window-man-brown-in-the-advertHis remarkably long run at the one job has raised many questions, such as who could take over at delivering presents.

One favorite at the bookmakers is Jeff Brown of Safestyle UK fame. Mr Brown is also the announcer at Burnley FCs football ground.

Coming soon on Sans Sheriff: We round up the greatest viral dance craze of next year – the ‘Backwards Harlem Shake’. It’s been described as the short story about a man who parties longer than everybody else…

If you followed us on Twitter, it would really make our Christmas. @SansSheriffM

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One comment on “SSExpress: Santa to ‘prepare meat’

  1. Pingback: SSExpress: Young Journalist Writes Article | Sans Sheriff

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This entry was posted on December 24, 2013 by in Article, Comedy, Editorial, Post, SSExpress and tagged , , , , , , , , , , .

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