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Hey, Elliot here and we’ve got some really exciting news for you – The Best of Nickelback: Volume 1 was released today and we got none other than Chadley Kroeger to write us a preview of it, and give us a little insight into some of the song’s meanings. Please support real music and pick up The Best of Nickelback: Volume 1 wherever rocking good music is sold!
Oh hey, I didn’t see you there. I’m Chad Kroeger of the rock and roll band Nickelback. You may have heard of us, maybe because we’re the second-best selling music act in the US, just behind The Beatles (woah, right?), or maybe because we’ve sold over 50 million albums worldwide. If it’s neither of those things, where have you dudes been? We’ve been killing it for years now.
Over the past entirety of our career, people have taken great joy in making fun of us – Nickelback, the 11th best selling music act in the world. Sure, Linkin Park is ahead of us, but those guys are pretty cool dudes, so we don’t hold a grudge. I’m technically here to promote our upcoming compilation album “The Best of Nickelback: Volume 1” (we made the rightful assumption that we’ll definitely have more “best of” compilations out in the future, so for ease we called it “Volume 1”), but I’m also going to take this opportunity to talk to you guys like bros, because I’m just your buddy Chad. And as your buddy Chad (international rock star and husband of Avril Lavigne), I have a few problems with the way you’ve all been talking about my band, Nickelback (ranked as the top rock group of the decade by Billboard).
Now I’m gonna run you through some of the awesome tracks that are on our upcoming compilation album – sure, I did say there’d be some new material, but there isn’t (our record label, Universal Music, didn’t seem to mind):
Track 1 – Photograph
Man, this song brings back some memories, much like when you look at an old photograph. Actually it brings back memories of an old photograph (the same one that I talk about in the song). I figured here would be as good a place as any to clear up what the hell actually is on Joey’s head – it’s a turkey. We were at a “Friends” themed party and my buddy Craig went to the bash as Joey from Friends in that iconic scene in which he got a turkey stuck on his head. Man, sometimes we watch Friends in our tour bus and just laugh and laugh – then I get home and make love to my beautiful wife (eternal teenager and septuple-platinum record-selling artist, Avril lavigne) on a huge stack of $1000 bills (that’s a denomination of currency that only rich people like myself have – it’s awesome).
Track 2 – How You Remind Me
Ah, this was our breakthrough hit. It’s one of those songs that not only gets stuck in your head, but buys an apartment and has a residency at the club down the road. It’s likely you can’t remember any other songs that came out in 2001 (really, 2001? Shit, I’m getting old dudes) because once you read the title of this track, it kick-started in your head and now you’re probably in the second verse. I’d apologise for that, even though it’s not like me to say sorry.
Track 4 – Rockstar
Hey, have you seen the video for this song? You probably have because it’s pretty awesome. There’s a few famous faces in it – I don’t mean to brag, but I know a few people, including Nelly Furtado for some reason. This track was declared the 2nd worst song ever written by Buzzfeed, who went on to say: “If aliens came to earth and asked why everyone hates Nickelback so much, this song would be a perfect explanation.” Now, I’m a pretty chill guy, but I gotta say, this ticked me off! If “everyone hates Nickelback” how was this song in the UK charts for almost 9 months? What other song’s popularity lasted from the conception to the birth of a child? Not many, probably.
Track 8 – If Today Was Your Last Day
I came up with the concept for this song during answering fan mail. A lot of kids on the Internet were telling me to kill myself and that they were going to kill me for my music. I don’t really understand the violence of kids these days, but they got me thinking “What if today was my last day?” Anyway, I took the idea and churned out a song, so thanks for the millions of dollars, kids!
Track 14 – If Everyone Cared
Yeah, I’ve taken a lot of shit for this song since we released it, mainly because, in the lyrics, I suggest that if everyone were nice to one another, nobody would ever die. People seem to have a lot of problems with that, the most pressing being that it scientifically makes no sense. Even religious people sided with science on this one, so I guess I’m making a big difference. Also, a few people seemed really angry that I wanted nobody in the world to die because, if nobody died, the world would eventually become overcrowded (because people wouldn’t cease being born) and we’d all live in horrible pain all the time. I don’t really care about all that though, because I have so much money that could afford to give all the profits from digital downloads of this song straight to Amnesty International. Yeah, I’m a pretty swell guy, and that move got me some mad poontang.
Track 19 – Something In Your Mouth
I thought it would be a good idea to end our greatest hits compilation with a really childish, disgusting song, just so everyone would walk away with a gross taste in their mouths (not unlike the concept of the song, right? Haha). Yeah, so this song is about how I think women should be objectified so much that they just become the sluts that we all want them to be. The title is pretty vague, so I’ll take this chance to explain it: I’m talking about my dick. I think women look good with my dick in their mouths.
Anyway, be sure to pick up the album (it came out today!), it’s called “The Best of Nickelback: Volume 1” and there’s way more awesome tracks on there that, if you’re a fan, you’ve already heard before. But wouldn’t it be cool to have them in this neat little set?
We’ll probably have a new album out next year sometime. See you on the road, dudes!
Coming soon on Sans Sheriff: I don’t really care, but maybe I’ll be back when our next album is released tot ell you how awesome it is.